GO AWAY.

"You're DIFFERENT! You can mix around with people so well! You can talk to the older people and people your age... you can even mix around with those who can't speak english properly. You're different. I'm such an anti-social. I can't talk to anyone or .... " What my brother doesn't realise, is that it took me years to become like this.


I was always the introvert. Always the one that never rocked the boat, that sat in one corner and read her book. That preferred quiet and calm over noise and play. That hated anyone who disturbed her in class, even if they did need to borrow something urgently. It wasn't like I was shy or anything, it was just... I hated being disturbed by irritating immature cry babies (Not that I wasn't one myself, but I suppose at that time I was a bit deluded) But now that I come to think of it, I was one hell of a rude bugger.


But I guess things changed a little. I met Joan, Abigale and some others, and I realised how much I liked talking with them, how wrong I was. And how alone I had been. I think it was that moment that I made up my mind I would change. I'd be a whole new Teri. Unafraid of speaking my mind, of uttering COMPLETE rubbish(no matter how stupid I really thought it was) just for fun, of being a social creature. It took time of course, and even until now, I haven't graduated from that course.


And so now it seems like I am gifted with this 'talent' for socialising. But I'm not. I feel awkward just to do it, I always force myself to. Just like I force myself to speak up and be heard. Over the years I suppose I've built this incredible front that few can see past, that few I guess even want to see past. Because once they do, they lose the 'easy' me.


If truth be told, deep down, I sometimes wish I could crawl back into my tiny hole and just lie there and die a slow horrible death. I sometimes wish I could just revert back to the good old days when people wouldn't be able to hurt my feelings. And sometimes, I just wish I didn't know any of you.


None of these wishes are possible. Because now that I'm here on the other side and I've learnt how much fun it can be, and how much I love it, it would kill me if I had to turn back. So then, it's at times like these when I wonder WHAT IN THE HELL did I change for. I should have just stayed alone, quiet, friendless. Then I wouldn't have to have this front, this pretend, this image. Then I wouldn't have to feel like the world's biggest liar.


I can feel myself losing control. Getting tired. Like cloth fraying at the edges.

I'm scared.

I don't want to be alone.

What am I supposed to do now?